I got a "reality check" recently. It bounced.
Kirk: "Scotty, beam us up."
Scotty: "Sorry, Jim, she's broken. Call Uber."
Scotty: "Sorry, Jim, she's broken. Call Uber."
Q. What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.
A. Outlaws are wanted.
Q. Why is a tornado like an Alabama divorce?
A. Someone is going to lose the mobile home one way or another.
A. Someone is going to lose the mobile home one way or another.
I was fired from the Archaeology Society. My career is in ruins.
As a young child, my father built me a "quicksand box."
Q. What do you give a man who has everything?
A. A burglar alarm.
A. A burglar alarm.
I'm addicted to "rehab." Where do I go?
I'm so poor that my TV has 2 channels: ON and OFF.
Newspaper Ad: "Exercise bike, like new, $300. Ask for Fats."
You may be a redneck if your IQ increased 20 points when you discovered the versatility of duct tape.
I attend a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. It's called "On Anon Anon."
I got a Viagra stuck in my throat. Now I have a "stiff neck."
I invented an "eleven-foot pole." It's for people who will not touch anything with a "ten-foot pole."
My girlfriend needs to "work out." She's starting to fit into my wife's clothes.
I got tired of holding in my stomach. I got married.
I crossed a Cocker Spaniel, a rooster, and a ghost. I got a "cocker doodle boo."
My friend was washing his car with his young son. I said a sponge would work better.
What did Geronimo say the first time he parachuted?
Last night, in the town square, there was a "hoedown." Fortunately, paramedics responded immediately.
Before the "drawing board" was invented, what did people "go back to?"
An owl walks into a bar and says, Remember me?" The bartender says, "Are you kidding? You were a hoot."
Q. How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A. Throw him a cement block.
A. Throw him a cement block.
I was addicted to lunch meat. I quit cold turkey.
Q. How does Reese eat soup?
A. With her spoon.
Do not use “pasta” as a password. It’s not Stroganoff.
Growing up, I wanted to be either a policeman or a firemen. I decided on the ladder.
I drink to forget. What was I saying?
I purchased worms but received minnows. This is clearly a case of "bait and switch."
What do they call expensive plates in China?
Patient: "Doctor, every morning I look in the mirror and see an ugly person. What's wrong with me?"
Doctor: "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
Doctor: "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
No one's perfect unless they're completing a job application.
My pen ran out of invisible ink. I think.
Q. Did you hear about the "knock knock joke" inventor?
A. He won the "Nobel" prize.
A. He won the "Nobel" prize.
If medical marijuana is tax deductible, are Doritos, chocolate donuts, and soda treated the same way?
Alcohol doesn't solve problems; neither does milk.
Ad: Gambling problem? Call us. Ten-to-one we can help.
I walked into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender told me not to start anything.
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